Mother’s Day 2022 came and went. Spoiler alert, we survived another year! The Monday after Mother’s Day kind of feels like surviving the 24-hour Purge. You open your doors, get back on your phone, take a deep breath and you resume normal life. But if I am being honest, this year was the first year in a number of years that I did not feel like I gave this annual holiday so much power. How you may ask…
A couple days before I saw an amazing and simple graphic on Instagram from Resolve.org which said, “you are not defined by a day.” Immediately (after reposting) I saved that graphic and had a sense of peace about it. Now I recognize that this may not be everyone’s experience or sentiment, but once again, I can only speak from my POV. But let’s go back a few years because it has not always been pretty.
I feel like for the last four or five years I have struggled to find peace leading into Mother’s Day weekend. It’s interesting the way I transitioned from only thinking of my Mom and her celebration every year to wanting to experience that. All of a sudden I wanted the “bump” picture to post, and the cheesy cards, homemade gifts, and brunch in bed that is barely edible from my kid. But one year it just clicked and then hit me all at the same time and I was sad. Sad mixed with a little mad, mixed with depression kind of shaped the first couple years after our infertility diagnosis. It’s kind of a blur now but some very hard emotions still linger in my brain from that time. I felt hopeless, like I would never get those “Happy First Mother’s Day” messages? I watched so many couples and women I knew year after year join that club that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. And with each passing year it just began to feel cruel. Everything you see turns into flowers and pastels.. store after store, ad after ad, even my beloved Lifetime Movie Network turns all mommy everything for the month of May.. yes the whole damn month.
Now as you may recall, I am a bonus mom to two wonderful girls through my husband. And while I am loving each year to see more recognition and acknowledgement on this day for all forms of motherhood, it’s still not the same (for me). I had to accept that my version of bonus parenting was different from others and that day is not something I will really every share with the girls, and that’s fine. But it makes me so much more desperate to experience that moment with my child. But shoutout to all of the bonus mom’s, you all are AMAZING!
So yes, the first couple years were a mess really. I did my best to put on a good face for the day but knew in my head and my heart that I was on the struggle bus and all I wanted to do was hide in my bed and take cover for the entire weekend. You know what else is “fun”… when people assume you may be a mom as you checkout at the store and wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. The level of assumption! I have definitely drop kicked a few people in my mind over the years, but only in my mind because I love my freedom.
Here’s the thing… I knew then and I know now more than ever how blessed I am to still have my Mom earth side. That is all the reason to be able to celebrate and be happy on this day, right? Well yes. And I dealt with feeling guilty every year that I was sad for me but happy to have her. But I now know that emotions and feeling can compete in your mind and still reside there at the same time. I was able to be sad and blessed, happy and depressed, lucky and unlucky. All of this was true. But it was still hard. But by year three, I used all the strength I had and I put all the focus on my mom and all the amazing moms in our lives to make it a great day. It took prep work, but I did it. That was another thing I had to realize over these last few years, that I needed to take honest stock of my emotional state and prepare myself for certain moments. Whether it’s Mother’s Day or a baby shower, the prep work has been essential in my way to show up (when I choose) and enjoy what matters most. It has not failed me yet (thank you baby Jesus!). So, how do I prep? I intentionally pray specifically over the event or occasion, go to my journal, meditate, and try to even get a quick upbeat workout in. Think of it like prepping for the big game. You got to get your mind right to be emotionally and physically ready.
Last year I journaled, wrote a letter to the future mom I pray to be, and again focused on the fact that my husband and I still have our mom’s in our lives. This year, I was at peace like I mentioned in the beginning. I knew I was going to have a full weekend away from home and with loved ones and I got to mother my amazing niece while seeing great moms in my family. It was a good weekend and the first year where sadness did not overcome me. Am I saying I will never be sad another Mother’s Day as we continue on this unknown path? HELL NO. But I am going to take the small wins as they come and this year was just that.
I read another great post this weekend talking about “Mothering” which is just truly the act of caring for a child or another. Anyone can be a mother figure, that is not something that is gifted only to those who give birth or are related by blood. That is the beauty in it.
Here’s to another Mother’s Day!
Xoxo, your friend (in) fertility
Fertility Ain't Fair 