Growing up my mom was an amazing step parent to my older sister from our Dad’s first marriage. That is my sole opinion. From what I know, she first, embraced the fact that my Dad had a child, then choose to embrace the role of Stepmother. This new role was never something she was asked to do, nor something that she ever thought she would be part of. Growing up in a blended family, there was a lot I did not see or know as a child. I did not see the tears from my mom, the hurt experiences of her not being invited or included in activities or events. I didn’t know the animosity and anger that lingered from my father’s family over his first marriage and my parent’s marriage. All in all, being a step parent is no easy task.
Have you ever seen the movie stepmom? If not, watch when it’s cold outside and you need a weekend couch movie. But when I saw that movie as a semi young kid for the first time I started thinking about how my mom felt, and in general how stepmoms/stepdads feel. Julia Roberts went through some shit in that movie. Like stepped in shit, fell in shit, and got shit thrown on her. But she came out on top, beautiful as ever, because it’s Julia Roberts, and I thought wow, you’re a champ. And my mom, is a champ too. That job is hard as hell. And at that time, I didn’t know if I could do it or even if I would even have too. Funny how those small moments mean nothing until decades later and you’re literally somebody stepmomma! Oh, how the tables turn. Reminder to add this to the letter to my younger self.
You know now that I grew up knowing I would be a parent. But I don’t think any of us grow up thinking, I’ll be a step parent. It’s not something we look to achieve in a family structure. Instead, we meet someone who happens to have children and we are now tasked with how we will play a part in this new family structure (if this is going to be a forever thing). If not, enjoy the ride, keep a healthy boundary, and stay clear of the baby momma/daddy drama. Cause baby daddy drama can be real too!
I knew that this topic would be something I needed to bring to therapy. My therapist called it a “bonus parent” and I actually like that label better. I’m not your mom or dad, but I’m like a bonus to your life. Hell yes I am! I also hate “step” parent, like what does that even mean? The only step I respect is “Step by Step.” If you didn’t know it was a TV show, close this page and get yourself to the nearest streaming service and get your blended family tv tips! So bonus parents are cool (sometimes) and that is my goal. To be a cool bonus parent and friend.
But when you’re dealing with infertility, being a bonus parent can bring a new level of emotions to an already challenging role. At least this has been my experience. I know I can use the whole thought that these kids are a blessing because it’s like practice for my future kids (blah blah blah) but when you want your own child, this can be hard. You’re reminded everyday that someone else was able to conceive a whole life with your partner. And some days it pisses me off, other days it makes me sad, and some days I just have to say that’s not fair. Because we know fertility ain’t fair. But I started giving myself permission to accept and not deny these feelings and also talk about them in therapy.
I’ve felt guilty for having these very real, yet negative and nasty thoughts about my reality. In some situations I would literally lock myself away when the kids were visiting and just say I needed “me time.” I know there were moments where I wasn’t as welcoming, considerate, or quite frankly even nice when they were with us. That was unfair to them and to my husband. And I later realized that it was due to my grief surrounding my current situation. It sounds like common sense that grief can apply to any situation, not exclusive to death. But I had only thought of grief in connection with death. In reality grief can apply to any life experience in which you are trying to cope with a loss. A loss of a career, a relationship, an idea, and even in how you envisioned starting a family. I was grieving with the fact that my journey to motherhood was not going to happen in the way that I always thought it would. It would not be easy. It would not be without physical and emotional struggle. And, it may not be natural. At the time, I didn’t realize that this is what was happening to me emotionally and mentally, so it was very hard on my relationships in my home specifically.
As a reminder, these are the 8 stages of grief in order:
- Denial
- Emotional Release
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Remorse
- Acceptance
- Hope
So this journey in bonus mom world is ever evolving. Keep a girl in your thoughts! And for all my fellow bonus parents, I send you love, light, and wine!
Xoxo, your friend (in) fertility
Fertility Ain't Fair 