“He didn’t want to tell you because he didn’t want to hurt you.” That is what my Dad told me when my brother started calling all of us to tell us the amazing news, I would have a new niece or nephew in a few months. My brother never told me this, but told my Dad before he called me. Really? I thought to myself. Why did he think that? It haunted me for about a week.
It was a confusing feeling. One side of me was hurt that he felt unsure about sharing exciting news with me, but the other side of me felt loved because he did not want to trigger any hurt feelings for his big sister. At the end of the day, when he called me, I knew. The tone of his voice, his scared but overwhelmingly happy demeanor, the smile I could feel through the phone. And I could not be happier for him. After all, my brother was no stranger to disappointment, fear, and pain. In the last year alone, he had almost lost his life due to a terrible accident. And now here he was with a blessing to bring life into this world with a renewed sense of purpose. How could I not be happy for him?
When we found out it was a little princess that would join our family, my happiness grew tenfold. Dope Aunt alert!
I want to say to everyone who loves those dealing with fertility issues, we still want to celebrate you. We want to be there for all of your excitement, and in return when it’s our turn, we know you will be there as well. Be sensitive. Be empathetic. Think before you speak. But don’t feel guilty about your own happiness. We aren’t fragile, we won’t break. We appreciate the concern, but not celebrating you will not make us feel any better in the end.
My therapist told me a story of how when she was dealing with her own fertility issues, that she decided to pour herself into other women with children. She donated time, volunteered, and it gave her a space to be happy for someone else and not be sad for herself. She also acknowledged her hope and bought small items for her future child. So to Amazon I went and eventually placed a few items in my saved cart for later. I could not do it immediately, but once I leaned into my hope and confidence in my future motherhood, I was able to drop in some matching onesies and even some baby furniture.
So I decided at that moment that every chance I could share with other babies, I would embrace it differently than I had before. I get baby time, it fills me up, and I get to give them back until I have my own. It’s great practice and helps ease the mind. I am a certified baby borrower. In my office, with friends, with family. If there is a baby present, you can guarantee I’m coming for them. If you need a babysitter, come holla at your girl!
So when my niece was born, I had the perfect baby to pour into. Honestly, it fills me up to spend time with my niece. Being an Aunt is so rewarding. You get to watch them grow, buy them anything you want, and give them back after they take a shit and throw a temper tantrum. Watching her grow, learn, develop, and become a ball of personality makes me the happiest person. My niece came at the perfect time. She restored my faith, allowed me to share my love, and be part of her growth. Who can you pour into?
I won’t say there aren’t times when I have to hop off social media, because literally everyone is giving birth on Facebook or Instagram. And sometimes, depending on the day, it can rub me the wrong damn way. And I admit that. Honestly, I encourage you to take social media vacations from time to time. Remember that 90% of someone’s social media is just the good so you don’t know the backstory. And even though that girl you follow is on her 5th kid and you believe she blinks and gets pregnant, and that’s not fair. You don’t know her story. She doesn’t know yours. More on this in another post.
I want to celebrate your families and your babies, and be the most amazing friend and Auntie that I can be. I still want to celebrate you.
Xoxo, your friend (in) fertility
Fertility Ain't Fair 