Grief has come up at different times in this book. It wasn’t until I was two years into my journey that I realized how my grief showed up and manifested. The thing about grief is, it’s not a one and done emotion. And when you are in continuous fertility treatments, every single cycle throws you back into the grief cycle again. Over the course of a month you start with a clean slate and with each negative pregnancy test or a loss you are suddenly back at square one. It hurts, it’s depressing and for me a lot of months I felt like a failure. I felt like my body was failing me, like it just could not or would not work.
Even in the months that I thought I had mentally prepared myself for the best and worst case scenario, getting that phone call from my nurse (sweet Katy) would take me to ground zero. She heard me cry each and every time. And I would explain to her that I thought I was prepared, but it just hit me all over again. And I finally realized that is because grief like this comes with every cycle. I grieve the fact that there is no fertilized embryo, I grieve for the financial strain, I grieve for the time that has gone by with no end in sight. The list goes on. And I am forced to pull myself up, remain hopeful, start again, go to God to ask for more strength, and know that I will not stop until my miracle occurs.
In April of 2021 I decided to move forward with my fourth and final IUI procedure. I knew before I started that this would be my last IUI. I had seen many women talk within the infertility social communities that I joined about their number of IUI’s and the hard decision to move on from this treatment. It’s a very personal choice, like anything that deals with infertility. It’s a less intense, less expensive option if it’s recommended to you so of course in your heart you hope it works for you. I started my IUI journey in August of 2020 and learned so much along the way. You may be thinking or wanting to ask, do I think it was worth it? I mean after all, all four were unsuccessful. What I say to that is, it was absolutely worth it. Was money spent? Yes. Did it result in a pregnancy? No. But the things that I learned about the conception journey and myself, priceless.
The week of my fourth blood test I already knew it hadn’t worked. I hate to say that, and please do not think that means I was not faithful and hopeful along the way. I was actually in a very positive mood through the process and since my birthday and a weekend getaway fell in my TWW window, I was busy and happy. But when you do a couple of these, you learn your body. I had the same pre-period symptoms in all of my IUI’s and so my hope turned to practicality, which turned to reality after my call. I cried. I cried it out and that’s ok. I cry to my nurse, then to my husband, and then usually to my mom. God bless my immediate support tribe. They keep me positive, lifted, and immensely loved in the darkest times.
Something I have noticed is that with each of my IUI cycles I started the grief cycle at a different place. The first cycle I started at the top, with denial. The second, I started with emotional release and anger. The third I think I started with depression, because the third time is supposed to be a charm, right? And the last I had acceptance and hope. I say all that to say, growth comes in may forms. To me, this shows me that I have gained strength I never thought I had and never knew I needed.
A good friend of mine who is also so much smarter than me said “Grief is not linear” and I just about fell on the floor. It hit me hard and true. It’s not a straight line, it’s more like a DUI straight line walk test (all over the damn place.) So here we are. Learning, growing, and grieving.
Xoxo, your friend (in) fertility
Fertility Ain't Fair 